When you don't know what you want
The most difficult times in my life were the times when I didn’t know what I wanted.
The time I was deep in body hatred and tried to shrink my body because I kept listening to the diet industry and unrealistic cultural beauty standards, instead of myself. I felt so ashamed and insecure I thought it would be easier to ‘disappear’.
The time I dated a guy I didn’t really fancy, just because I finally brought home someone my parents approved (everyone else was just not good enough for me, so they said).
The time I wanted to become a yoga teacher but after seeing my mom’s response (mind you, at the time yoga wasn’t as popular), like a good people pleaser, I let go and got myself a degree.
The time I knew (deep inside) that I didn’t want to be an artist, but it was my last year in art school and “I can’t just quit now…”
The time I (still) knew that I didn’t want to be an artist, but it took me 2 years to get accepted + 4 years of studies, and I was nominated for prizes, invited for exhibitions… I thought that if I’m good at something, it means that I should stick with it.
The time I almost burned out in my business because I thought I had to push and hustle, because “that’s the path to success”. I didn’t honour my values and priorities, I fell into the cultural limiting belief “you have to suffer to be good.” Instead of connecting to my truth, I was plugged into someone else’s beliefs.
When we don’t know what we want, someone else will decide what we want for us.
With what to buy, what to eat, how to exercise, who to date, how to raise our children, what to study, where to live, what to do for living... And that will always mean putting ourselves last, putting our desires on the back burner and our needs on hold. It means getting pulled into a million directions.
The times in my life that were the most incredible were the times I knew what I wanted.
When I started listening to my body and myself, I tuned into what made my body & soul feel loved and started healing my relationship with myself. I felt at home in my body.
When I allowed myself to trust my heart, I married the man I loved (with or without my parents approval).
When I allowed myself to explore my true passions and follow my curiosities, I allowed myself to follow the breadcrumbs that led me to where I am today.
When I created a vision for my career that is aligned with my values and priorities, I was able to have more impact with more ease and joy.
The more I listened to my intuition, heart’s whispers and soul’s desires, the more I paved my own path (and the universe responded). Instead of following a path paved for me by others.
Does it mean my life is perfect now? absolutely not (thank goodness it isn't, that would be boring, don't you think?)
Knowing what you want isn’t about having it all figured out for the rest of your life. It’s about committing to come back to yourself again and again and again… Your desires are a living breathing thing, they changes as you change.
If this resonates with you, I invite you to grab your journal and reflect on these questions. If you don’t know the answers yet, that's absolutely fine. Allow yourself the time to sit intentionally with these questions and pay attention to what arises from within.
What do I want?
What is important to me?
How do I want to live my life?
What do you want to experience in my relationship? What kind of partner do I want?
How do I want to experience motherhood? What kind of mother do I want to be?
What do I want to experience in my professional life? How do I want to show up in my career?
What kind of friendships do I want?
If you find yourself stuck, I would encourage you to explore what's blocking you from knowing what you want - Where are you operating within the bracketed systems culture has created for you? Which fears and limiting beliefs are holding you back? Which shoulds are keeping you stuck?
You can pave your own path, but you need to know what you want.
I’d love to hear what comes up for you, hit reply and let me know.